As a Christian, there are things that we will struggle with that we don’t want to admit to. It seems that mental problems are high on that list. To some, it seems nonsensical and almost a paradox that a Christian would struggle with panic / anxiety attacks and/or depression. “But aren’t you a Christian though?”… Maybe that is why it is so hard to come to grips with it when you are the one suffering through them. I, JT, am one such sufferer. Today, as I try to recover from last night’s episode, I’ve cried a lot. I’ve begged and pleaded with God according to His great mercy and grace. I have tried my best to maintain a demeanor that would foster better habits and an environment that won’t allow a panic / anxiety attack to even come forth.
It has been a hard day, and it is only 4:06p.
Can I just say this – I hate it. This is a miserable way to live. I have struggled off and on with depression since I was about 14, and as an adult, I still deal with it although not as majorly, but now I have become the acquaintance of panic / anxiety… oh, and add stress to this list.
It is a vicious cycle that sucks the life out of me and reenforces fear which of course starts everything back up. And for a touch of irony, I was reading a book on dealing with fear in a Biblical way when last night’s episode happened.
How I long to be free from these things in this lifetime. How I desire to not have my heart race at 2a while I sit on my bed helpless. How I long to have total control over my mind, and have it submit to Jesus, instead of running haywire and causing my body to follow suit.
Oh, Jesus, help me. Deliver me from this. Heal me. Have compassion and pity toward me like You did the sick and lame in the Gospel of Matthew. Look at me in that way and heal me. All You have to do is say the Word and it is done. Please, Lord, have mercy and grace on me.