As I write this, my throat hurts, my eyes hurt, and I have the sniffles. It’s rainy out so I can’t imagine that will make me feel any better. I’m supposed to get my hair cut today and I need to wash, but I don’t know. The way I feel right now, I just want to lay in bed, get under the quilt my grandmother made me, and go to sleep for some hours.
Lately I have been noticing that I am a retreater. What do I mean by that ? Well, I have realized that many times, rather than push through hard times, I would rather go back to what I know. I cannot count the times where I have felt as though I just want to go back to Dallas. Being here, I am forced to get out of my comfort zone. The shy, loner, quiet, kept to herself Jenn can no longer be that. The Jenn that is not used to having so many sisters around can no longer be used to that. Since I have been here, I have been forcing myself to be around large groups of people, trying to be super social, but it’s so hard. It’s something I have never had to do. Whenever I have had to be around a lot of people in the past, I’ve always been friendly, but I have never been the type to just feel 100% comfortable and just initiate conversation after conversation. To many, it may sound extremely ridiculous, but I am really struggling in that aspect. I know the Body of Christ is just that – a Body. I know that the different parts have to work together so that the Body can work. Sometimes I am driven to tears because I am not what I want to be. I wish I were that social butterfly who talked to everyone without being prompted, but in my 26 years of life, I never have been. As I said earlier, I know to some, it may sound absurd and not even that big of a deal, but I am tired of having such a hard time in that area. I pray that I am not seen as antisocial because that’s not the case.
Gosh, it’s so painful for me at this point in my life. So many things that need to be worked on, and I feel absolutely helpless. I turn them over to God and wait on Him to do what He does, and in the meanwhile, I’m feeling somewhat low. Being here has been a mirror… Maybe all of this time, the mirror I have been looking in has been a funhouse mirror of sorts, and being in Philadelphia, it seems the mirror is one of the ones that has the inset that allows you to magnify things so you can REALLY see them. I look forward to when it feels a little better. At the time, my main confidante is the Lord Jesus. I cry and whimper and plead to the Father on behalf of His Son, in hopes that He will give me strength and that things will soon be better. I know He is faithful and that He loves me and is doing what’s best concerning me and His glory… so I just pray and wait knowing He’s good and kind and that He will deliver me.