Needed: Grace and more grace

As I write this, my throat hurts, my eyes hurt, and I have the sniffles. It’s rainy out so I can’t imagine that will make me feel any better. I’m supposed to get my hair cut today and I need to wash, but I don’t know. The way I feel right now, I just want to lay in bed, get under the quilt my grandmother made me, and go to sleep for some hours.

Lately I have been noticing that I am a retreater. What do I mean by that ? Well, I have realized that many times, rather than push through hard times, I would rather go back to what I know. I cannot count the times where I have felt as though I just want to go back to Dallas. Being here, I am forced to get out of my comfort zone. The shy, loner, quiet, kept to herself Jenn can no longer be that. The Jenn that is not used to having so many sisters around can no longer be used to that. Since I have been here, I have been forcing myself to be around large groups of people, trying to be super social, but it’s so hard. It’s something I have never had to do. Whenever I have had to be around a lot of people in the past, I’ve always been friendly, but I have never been the type to just feel 100% comfortable and just initiate conversation after conversation. To many, it may sound extremely ridiculous, but I am really struggling in that aspect. I know the Body of Christ is just that – a Body. I know that the different parts have to work together so that the Body can work. Sometimes I am driven to tears because I am not what I want to be. I wish I were that social butterfly who talked to everyone without being prompted, but in my 26 years of life, I never have been. As I said earlier, I know to some, it may sound absurd and not even that big of a deal, but I am tired of having such a hard time in that area. I pray that I am not seen as antisocial because that’s not the case.

Gosh, it’s so painful for me at this point in my life. So many things that need to be worked on, and I feel absolutely helpless. I turn them over to God and wait on Him to do what He does, and in the meanwhile, I’m feeling somewhat low. Being here has been a mirror… Maybe all of this time, the mirror I have been looking in has been a funhouse mirror of sorts, and being in Philadelphia, it seems the mirror is one of the ones that has the inset that allows you to magnify things so you can REALLY see them. I look forward to when it feels a little better. At the time, my main confidante is the Lord Jesus. I cry and whimper and plead to the Father on behalf of His Son, in hopes that He will give me strength and that things will soon be better. I know He is faithful and that He loves me and is doing what’s best concerning me and His glory… so I just pray and wait knowing He’s good and kind and that He will deliver me.

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12 thoughts on “Needed: Grace and more grace

  1. I pray that GOD uplifts you. I remember being in highschool and being so shy and lonesome. I kind got out of that state of mind when I got a little older. But the thing that changed my life was moving from CAli to Indiana. All that I knew (with the exception of my husband) was left in CALI. But I knew GOD called me to another level and it was time to step it up and step out on faith. I think before I was afraid of what people might think if I opened myself up to them. I am at the point now that I know Christ lives in me and I want to share him with everyone, whether I say something or just live.

    I know from experiences that when I am feeling down I need to press forward. I believe this is the time that GOD is testing us. We are not going to always feel good about our surroundings and circumstances. We shall reap a harvest of blessings if we faint not. I am standing in agreement on your strength and restoration.

    Be of good cheer
    Shana

    P.S. There is a new song out on Richard Smallwoods CD Journey: Kelly Price-Mourning Breaking
    -Weeping may endure for the night, Joy is coming in the morning light. Mourning breaking through the night

  2. Jenn I will be praying for this in this area. Being extra social is exhausting to me as well. I apprecite the honesty of your blog. It will get better. In the meantime endure the trial. I know that sounds harsh but I really mean, be encouraged because the Lord will come through. But sometimes along the wait we will have tears. Fight the Good fight sis.
    WITH LOVE,
    Sabrina

  3. Hello there dear sister in Christ. I’m Mikey(Im on ur fren list… sumwhere hehe). But hey Jen, it’s ok if ur not as spontaneous in (large)groups as you wouldve wanted to be. You might get used to it and become more comfortable in groups later, or you might not. Either way… it’s OK. As long as you are yourself. And most of the times, if not always, people within the body of Crist will notice and accept n love you just as good. They will get to know you eventually n love you the same. Sure they’ll thank God for the opportunity to get to know a special person like you.
    I think that the more you’ll make friends, close friends too hopefully, the more you will get used to being in larger groups and having conversations with many. God bless you Jen, I’m praying for you.

    Mikey

  4. Ndidi says:

    I’ll be praying, sis. I understand what you’re going through a lot. I’ve been seen as antisocial so many times and it’s not the case. *hugs*

  5. Anna says:

    Jenn…

    I can understand the feelings of being disoriented and afraid and homesick and anxious. It’s such a hard time to work through. But it WILL end. Things WILL get better. And in the meanwhile… perseverance must finish its work so we can be mature and complete, not lacking anything. Be strong, sister. 🙂

    Anna

  6. thankfull says:

    I’ll be praying for you sis. It took me a while to get out of my “shy, introverted” self. If it wasn’t for my sister dragging me out of the house to certain events at her former church, I’d probably still struggle.

    I am not as bad as I used to be, it depends on certain environments. I believe that you will open up a little more day by day. So be encouraged and continue to ask the Lord for help.
    He is your strength when you are weak.

    chakia

  7. sight giver says:

    Hey sis,

    I once read that if something is hard that it means that you are doing it in your own strength. Turn it fully over to Him. No one changes overnight. If that was the case would we ever have a reason to turn to the Lord. He is graciously and lovingly looking upon you to conform u to the image of His son. Rejoice! I know you are like yay..yeah right.. but we get some bound because we lose persective on why we are left down here in the first place. Ask the lord for a fresh outpouring everyday..which He will give you..so that you will have the strength to continually walk for Him.

    Love you
    Chaka

  8. Donna says:

    I’d pretty much echo what everyone else has said. I’d just say to be patient with yourself and others as you give this area to the Lord also. I can be an introvert as well and it frustrates me because I can be one of the most talkative people you’d ever meet and it’s not just with those I know well I can chat with a stranger on the street. Then other times when I around strangers or others I know dearly I have absolutely nothing to speak on. OR people will judge me to be a quiet person so even if I have much to say they’ll most likely get to know very little about me based on their ideal of me.

    But I’m breaking out of that, being sure that I’m developing into the woman that He’d have me to be and not be moved by opinions, not even my own concerning myself. So I pray the same for you, and let me add quietness isn’t a curse, I know that’s not what’s being said here but want to put that out there I think if a person is the loundest rudest crudest individual there is, they’d still be received better than the quiet person when we need folks to be silent at times just as much as we need them to speak up. And that’s the balance that any of us need to obtain and not that we’re all built to be social butterflies so to speak. So not giving excuse or permission to hide in a corner, but also stressing the fact of recognizing the person you are and not in a fleshy way but for example I have friends that are talkative and wouldn’t know how to be quiet that who they’re made to be you perhaps are on the opposite side of the spectrum…simply put be that which the Lord desires of you.

  9. asia says:

    Hey sis, I will be praying for you. I know how you feel but I want to encourage you by telling you things will get better turn it over to God. I use to be like that (shy, queit) but slowly I am getting out of it and you will too sis. Things will change just give it time. Luv ya and God bless you sis

  10. Butch says:

    Jen,
    You don’t know me, but I have checked in on your page on more than a few occasions (I became a fan through Mac!). Let me say, your writing has been a tremendous encouragement to the Body. Continue in your passion and faithfulness.
    You speak of your shyness and introverted nature as something that should be viewed in a negative light. However, your shyness is a defining characteristic of who you are at your most bacis core. That is the way that God created you, and you should embrace it, not attempt to dismiss it. Of course, certain aspects of our culture and society will stubbornly require you step out of your comfort zone at times, but this conformity is more of a means of ‘function’ than a revamping of your intrinsic nature. It is sometimes a difficult tension to live within, but is manageable with recognizing and being comfortable with who you are and what ‘you’ will look like in certain contexts. As much as it is possible, YOU should determine what it looks like for you to function and thrive in different situations, not the other way around. And in doing so, if you perhaps risk having others write you off as “anti-social”, then shame on them for not making the effort to get to know you–maybe it’s them who are actually anti-social. Blessings, my sister.

  11. kd says:

    Girl, there are times when I hear your testimony and I’m like, maybe we were split at birth and you were in cryostasis for what 8 years! LOL I feel you, I’m an introvert and the ONLY thing that had me social in my teens and earliy twenties was my passion for dance/ choreography and acting. If it wasn’t for the arts or sports I would’ve been a loner / bookworm. being in Dallas has showed me that my confidence and strength is not in WHAT I can do or WHO I am with nor even in myself, it’s all in GOD, just keep leaning on him JENN, he will strengthen and encourage you to walk, speak boldy.

    Some songs I listen to for encouragement:

    Yet Will I trust in Him (men of standard)
    Don’t Lose your candle stick (men of standard)
    You don’t Know (Jermia Cannon)
    Phil 4:7 (Fred Hammond)

    Keep your head up!
    KD

  12. Mimi says:

    Hey, I hope it has gotten a little better. I don’t know how you up and left…I can’t leave California because it’s all I know and I don’t want to be out of my comfort zone for long periods of time. LOL I wish the best to you girl!
    ~Mimi

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