I have sat at my desk and have started writing atleast 3 blog entries on different topics, however, I completed none of them. I’m frustrated with a lot of things. I consider myself to be self employed, but have absolutely no money coming in. I don’t have a steady job either, so it’s discouraging when I have bills due and no money to pay them. I am going to Philadelphia this weekend, and while I praise God my plane ticket was a gift, and I have a place to stay, I still really have no funds. I just paid my car note and my credit card bill and that leaves me with very little. When I say very little, that is no exaggeration; it’s true in every sense of the phrase. I’ve been applying for jobs so that I can have a steady income, but no one has called me back. I have management experience and much customer service experience, but for some reason, either that’s not good enough or it’s ‘too good’. I have gotten used to not being able to do the leisure things like buying books and music, going out to eat, etc… but when it comes to putting off gassing up my car, it’s pretty bad.
On top of that, I’m discouraged by my spiritual life. Sometimes I’m so on fire and then it burns out. Sometimes, I’m driven to pray for people and situations in tears… and then sometimes, I feel like I’m just saying words. Sometimes, I drop everything to study… and then sometimes, I’d rather be on the computer surfing the net senselessly. I long for a life of proper dedication without distractions. I long to love and honor God and His Word like the Puritans. Their love for God was so pure, so beautiful. They absolutely adored Him and esteemed His Word high above everything. He was their joy, period. End of story. I want to have that pure love for Him as well.
I’ve been a Christian for almost 5 years and sometimes I feel like it’s been 5 days. It seems that when I started to dig into reformed theology, my whole Christianity fell apart. Until then, I’d only been exposed to the ‘good’ side of Christianity. I thought I was a pretty good person. I thought that it was me that chose the Lord. When I met reformed theology, it rocked my world, and I’m still rocked by it. I’m still having a time trying to piece things together in my life. The Lord took me from years of bad doctrine to correct doctrine, and it’s a whole new world for me. To sin and not honor God properly kills me. Why ? Because I know no matter how hard Jennifer tries, she’ll still sin. I’m no longer a slave to it, but I’m not sinless. When I don’t do as I ought, this frustrates me. I find myself crying out to God in repentance, asking Him to change me… but I feel so powerless… because I am. It’s so different from what I was taught when I 1st got saved… and I still struggle from time to time.
I am also discouraged and frustrated by what is deemed as Christianity today. There’s a Christian hip hop forum that I read where the Bible is taken out of context ALL THE TIME. There have been cases stating that God can be deemed as female (i.e. Mother God as well as Father God), cases stating that the Gospel is not what the Bible says it is, heretics and heretical doctrines constantly defended, Scripture constantly twisted… and sometimes I wonder why the board is not just shut down. It’s going up in flames slowly but surely and it’s hurting new believers more than it helps ANYONE. New believers actually seem to come there before they search the Word. I’ve seen that being taken advantage of. I’ve seen members have potshots taken at them by various others because they don’t have a church home. I’ve seen members call others the ‘n’ word. I’ve seen people advocating that whatever it takes to get people in church, then do it… even if it has nothing to do w/the Gospel as if the Gospel isn’t beautiful enough by itself! I see so much on that board and every now and then I comment, but as I told a fellow brother in Christ, I don’t see the point because at the end of the day – People will believe what they want to believe. I find it hard to see any fruit that the board is bearing, and that is quite disheartening.
My family’s not saved. I’m the only one who is. It’s hard to see and hear their lives because I see them, of course, in light of Scripture, and I’m sad and scared for them. They are all looking for something yet they choose to fulfill that in various things. My father and oldest brother are into occultic things, even satanic. My father’s language can be harsh and even abusive at times. My mother often says disparaging comments about people. I am rarely encouraged by my family. At 26 years old, this should be something I should not care about, but no matter how old you are, family encouragement is always desired. I’m thankful for my family in Christ because they truly do act as a family, however I long for the bond in my blood family that I see so many others with.
I figured I may as well write about the one thing that’s closest to my heart at this time. I wish I could pay my bills. I wish I had money right now. I wish I was constantly on fire, burning with an unquenched passion for God. I wish that people would search the Scriptures and not be tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine. I wish my family knew Christ as Lord. I wish there were a more familial bond. I wish my body didn’t hurt and I wish I knew the pinpointed, exact reason behind it. I wish I wasn’t so discouraged, tired, frustrated, and sad right now.
Lord, please forgive me if it sounds like I am complaining because that’s truly not what I desire to do. I just really needed to get that out. I don’t care about being so transparent; maybe someone else feels or felt the way I’m feeling. Maybe someone will pray. Maybe the Lord will use someone to encourage me.
And while it’s hard to hold fast to this at times, I must…
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28 ESV
Grace and Peace.